mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I am available for nakedness
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
