nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
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The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
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A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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