this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is