btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!