Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.