i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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