I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
