i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
