i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
