what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
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what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
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Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole