Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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