So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
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You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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She puked her nose ring out of her face.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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