apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So vagazzling was a success
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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