You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
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