I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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