saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
