this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
