I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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