Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
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i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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