got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
