I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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