So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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