I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
