I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
