Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
