i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
