smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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