If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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