party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Randomize
