it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
