please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
