So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
