My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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