Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
