I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
