shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
