woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Randomize
