The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
