then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
