I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
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Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize