You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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