a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
