I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
