Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
not ubering you a puppy
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
