I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
