I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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