I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
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