It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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