I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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