Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
