So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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