Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
