dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
