I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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