Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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