So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
