So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
